Steps to Love
by NothingIcanSay
Summary: A series of drabbles about Love. It speaks of a blossoming love, the love of a parent, a sibling, and even the love that never was.


To cut the long story short, I was on a late-night whim while waiting for my midnight medication. I haven't been updating anything due to life and now I haven't been updating because I'm ill. And yes, Nothing is up with a new story. Haha. For maximum effect...read while listening to HANA-TAN's version of Hope? Miku's is sad as well, but Hana-Tan's sounds sadder. Oh and if you don't like angst filled stories, may as well wait for the second tier xD Tomochika's should be better. Also, this has been proof-read about 3 - 5 times already. I may have missed a few errors. Do tell me if there's any errors that are too obvious. Originally, I was supposed to apply Alodia here, until I decided to just replace her with an OC of mine.

**Disclaimer: **UtaPri is owned by Broccoli, the lyrics here was from "Hope" by Yoyuppe sung by Miku Hatsune. Everything here is made up and all I own here is Asami and Martina.

**WORD COUNT: 2,091**

_Tier 1: When HAYATO has been dropped, all the other acts should be dropped as well._

* * *

"_Myself. Where? White, black. I want to see you, but still._

_Tears are falling and isn't that enough?_

_My memories are shut in the very depths of my heart_

_And that unreachable voice still echoes."_

_One, two, three._

She fixed the pale blond braids she had done to her hair, retying the ponytail that had come lose. The countless of golden autumn leaves fell around her, some falling on her hair, on her lap, some of them landing by her doc martens. She had that celebrity magazine on her lap, sitting before her in full definition, opened at the page of the man she loves-of Ichinose Tokiya. She takes in the way the light accentuates his features within the picture, on how his air looked much softer and how he looked healthier and happier nowadays compared to his career as HAYATO. The hate she used to see in his midnight blue eyes seemed to have softened into an expression of calm after coming into STARISH. Although he always looked mature, he seemed to be much more refined than ever.

She remembers sitting on this bench with him at her side and recalling how warm it used to be as she tried to feed him a meat bun and he had refused blatantly, worrying over the calories he might gain with his arm crossed and his normal death glare at food. She recalls teasing him nonchalantly, even pinching a small piece out of the bun and shoving it into his face. She remembered he'd stare at the piece for a while before hesitantly taking it-after all, she knew he knew that each time he rejected her offering of food she'd probably get annoyed to the point of grinding him to shreds with her way of treating things.

She sighs and looks back at the magazine before slowly closing her eyes. She wondered if his new girl friend did the same. Then again, she knew Nanami Haruka wasn't the forceful type and was insistently the _sweetest_ person on the universe, as the tabloids had described her to be. Haruka did seem to be better than her from what they describe her to be. Nanami Haruka looked like she had no flaws. On the other hand, she had and was fully aware of having them-yet she does nothing to change it. From the moment her eyes had laid on the images of the songwriter, she couldn't help but agree. If the world was seen in white and black, she was gray. Nanami was white. Nanami had that white color about her that defeated her own gray. The girl truly did have an angelic face though the eyes always threw her off. She looked plain and simple and-was that what she had lacked to keep Tokiya's favour after he had ditched his HAYATO personality completely?

Or better yet.

Did the actual man love her, or was it just part of his act as HAYATO?

_Four, five, six._

She drew in a deep breath, trying hard to keep the tears from her eyes spilling once more. She had told the tabloids so many times that she was _okay_; she was over him. If Tokiya was only acting like he had loved her, may as well do the same. She was a cosplayer after all—another facet of a multitude of personalities. Being one, she must be able to adapt to the personalities of each character nicely. Yet, for someone who is an actress as well, how come she wasn't able to dodge truly loving him and keeping their love as an act?

She shut the glossy lump of a volume on her lap and drew in yet another sharp breath as she closed her eyes. She could feel the tears come. They werewarm as they filtered through her fake lashes and begin to spill, slowly crawling down and eventually reaching her chin. The brown knit scarf placed around her neck seemed to be absorbing her tears. The wool began dampening at the moment of absorbtion. She wipes away her hopelessness with the sleeves of her cream brown sweater. It was of no use as it was already damp as well from wiping away too many of her tears.

_Seven, eight, nine._

Maybe she envied Nanami Haruka for being close to her 6 princes of song. How she'd kill to at least win the affection of that one purple nightingale...then again, that was Nanami's utmost favourite and that nightingale favoured her as well. Where could she stand in that picture? Of a woman and a man, happily together, announcing their official status as a couple with the other 5 princes supporting them. She was only one of the shadows behind Tokiya's past as HAYATO. She couldn't interfere. She could only drop in once in a while when the cruel mother of fate decided to toy with her heart and bring her to have a shoot with STARISH or star with them in a music video. She had requests of that a while back, though she had denied them nicely, claiming she had to be in Singapore for a cosplay event, to head to Malaysia for another event and had to jump to the Philippines to surprise Martina (one of the biggest cosplay celebrities in the Philippines) by appearing on her birthday and simply making a fool out of herself to see one of her cosplay friends laugh and be merry on her special day. During that one moment of being on stage and making herself look like the biggest idiot on earth, she had felt better.

The moment she had stepped off the stage with a smile and a hug for Martina complete with a present of STARISH's first debut album, she felt her heart feel hope once more at the sight of _his_ dark blue hair under a hat. She had excused herself at that moment, telling Martina she'd be back and chased what seemed like a familiar figure for her to at least greet him a hello-only to feel herself breaking. It was a false hope. Apparently, this Filipino was merely as tall as Tokiya himself-a far cry from the shortness of Naoto Shirogane. Not only it had made herself look like an even bigger fool, but she felt herself breaking at least a little more. And when she turns to Martina's side, she re-builds her fences and puts on a cheery face. Martina may as well have read through her mask for when all the con goers and the time is peaceful and serene, she hands the CD back and says: "I don't think you should part with this just yet."

She nods mutely with the tears in her eyes and thus receives a comforting hug from the other.

Oh how she envied Martina. Martina had someone to love and that man loved her in return. On the other hand, she was left alone to love something that had been cast into the shadows. She knows she's selfish (though from birth, one was already selfish to begin with) and secretly, she wishes he had remained as HAYATO instead and had never enrolled into Saotome academy to have his second debut.

_Ten, eleven, twelve._

The cold spot beside her is suddenly warm and her attention returns back to the world as a white handkerchief is offered to her.

"Here."

She'd know that voice anywhere. Despite knowing that voice, she looks at Tokiya with uncertainty, the tiredness probably showing in her eyes and they were probably red and puffy once more from crying. She tried to give him her best smile, only to come up with a crooked one as she pushes his hand away and wipes her bitter tears away. What was the point of accepting his handkerchief if he had his own woman to offer it to? Alright, so they may still be friends, though she'd rather not risk Nanami getting the wrong idea. "Keep your handkerchief to yourself." She could sense her voice crack. "I'll be fine." She added to her statement though she knew he clearly knew she was lying.

"You could at least tell me what's wrong, Asami. We're still friends."

She tried to speak; to open up to the person she loves though words seem to be failing her. How could she tell Tokiya? It would be a shame to just confess about it when there was still Nanami around. It was wrong. In all ways, it was certainly wrong. There was no way she could tell a taken man she loved him and jinx their relationship with one simple confession.

And so she looks away and spots his gang together with Nanami a few miles ahead, chattering in a lively matter along the brick path of the park, waiting for their companion to return. And she finds her excuse to shove him away and try to shut him out of her life for a while and to try to live in peace or to at least finish rebuilding her walls to strengthen her defence and avoid another episode. Everyone could get tired of her crying over spilled milk after a while. And so she speaks, telling him: "Your friends are waiting." In an attempt to shrug him away, to discourage him from speaking some more.

"Asami-"

"Go. Away. I don't want to talk to you. Not now, not ever." She finally says angrily, her eyes now focused on her rival in love. She felt Tokiya hesitate beside her before he simply just drops his handkerchief, a top the magazine on her lap. He stands up and leaves, and she watches him walk away, taking in the little details of Tokiya for one last time. From the way his dark blue hair spikes to the grey sweater he was wearing and eventually his leather gloves. And as he looked over his shoulder back at her with slight worry she took one last gaze into his lovely midnight blue eyes before he eventually left with his group, moving on with their stroll. The space beside her is now empty—devoid of his warmth as the memories of the autumns she had spent with him as HAYATO began to disappear and make themselves known as lies.

"Friends. We're still friends." She repeats, trying to comfort herself with the words he had said earlier. It made her feel slightly better to know he still saw her as someone he could still talk to, though she was no longer that special person to him. Or maybe she was never a special person for him to begin with. Then she recalls the new and improved Tokiya she saw in the magazine before her, how much Nanami had changed his life and turned him to become a better man. Something she was not able to do. And more lies begin to spout in her head as she thinks of HAYATO and herself and soon finds her thoughts submerged and trapped in her own gray world.

Slowly, the gray began to turn black.

_Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen._

Tokiya glances over his shoulder once more, his dark blue eyes locking back at the figure of the girl he had left behind at the bench and becomes worried. Asami now has her head clutched in her hands and he feels guilt as he begins to wonder-was it better to keep the illusion of loving her? He decided her mental welfare would've been at a better state as he recalls her tripping over every single detail and plunging herself into a world of doubt. He wonders if he really should've kept her closer to at least keep her from causing her own self destruction by keeping up the act after discarding his 'HAYATO' illusion. Though as he looks at the distance as he began walking away with STARISH, he decided that maybe it was better to have just broken things instead of faking it and plunging himself into a world of longing for Haruka and fill his own mind with 'what-ifs' and could-haves. Either way, it was a losing battle for the both of them. It was either he or Asami who would go crazy.

And he decides that if the world was in black and white, the 'white' quality he used to have would now turn into gray as he carries the guilt in his heart for making her this way. He silently apologizes to her in his head, telling her that there could be no better way to have handled this situation. And Tokiya hopes that maybe one day, she would mature from this experience and become a stronger woman deserving of a man better than he who could hold no true love for her.

From a world of black, his began to turn gray.


End file.
